a word or two on emesis

**read this post at your own risk. perhaps having a bowl or barf bag nearby wouldn't hurt. or just make sure you have a clear path to the nearest toilet**

otherwise known as vomiting, puking, spewing, hurling, ralphing (i would hate the name ralph, but it might be considered if we have a boy), upchucking (chuck, another possibility), retching, barfing, and just plain old throwing-up.

i have become an expert on this.

it is what i know these days.

not that i want to know it.

but i do. and they say you should write on what you know, so here goes.

this is a list of my least favorite things the throw-up and why. maybe you could learn something, especially if you are pregnant, sick, or thinking about becoming bulimic.

in no particular order...

*milk. and i love milk. i used to drink a couple of glasses every day. but not now. milk goes down as a liquid and comes up as a solid. it curdles in your stomach, which doesn't take long, and comes up chunky. and sour. very sour. but not like sour cream. sour chunks. it makes me sad. no more milk for me.

*rice. you wouldn't normally think that rice would be bad. it's pretty bland and uneventful. however, don't be deceived. rice is little. and when you chew it, it becomes smaller. then when it is spewed, it feels like little maggots coming out. and they get stuck in your mouth. they stick everywhere. and you have to swirl your tongue around and spit to get them all out. and still you will find more. they are just so little and there are many little crevices in your mouth. you get the point.

*popcorn. similar to rice, in the fact that it comes up as small little pieces. and there tends to be little pieces of popcorn kernels stuck everywhere. if you are going to eat popcorn, don't bother picking out the yucks from your teeth, you will be doing it again after the big upchuck.

*orange juice. this is something i crave. but it burns coming up. not worth it.

*hot dogs. now i know many of you wouldn't even bother eating one. but i love a good dog. but not anymore. no matter how much chewing you do, they still come up super chunky. i do not like hurling chunks--it hurts. another thing, they really stink the second time around.

*onions. okay just kidding. just checking to see you if you are still reading. i wouldn't know what it is like to throw these things up. i don't think they are worth eating in the first place.

now this list is not complete. but i am done for the time being. these are the worst for now.

and some of you might think that perhaps i shouldn't eat anything at all. but the worst thing to do is retch on an empty stomach. when your insides are trying to eject its contents, it does it with such force and violence that it will find something to bring up. and it is called bile. and it burns. and burns. and you can feel it eating away the enamel on your teeth. and brushing your teeth doesn't help that feeling go away. bile is the worst. you may as well make a meal of the previous list of items and inhale them before you consider not eating.

i used to say that i wouldn't ever eat anything a second time if i threw it up. however, that plan quickly faded when i realized i soon wouldn't be eating anything at all. i would venture to say that there is not a food i haven't thrown-up that i have eaten. lucky me.

i thought about making a list of things are okay the ralph, but i don't think that list exists.

now, go eat something good. you'll feel better.