Thursday, September 24, 2009

a word or two on emesis

**read this post at your own risk. perhaps having a bowl or barf bag nearby wouldn't hurt. or just make sure you have a clear path to the nearest toilet**

otherwise known as vomiting, puking, spewing, hurling, ralphing (i would hate the name ralph, but it might be considered if we have a boy), upchucking (chuck, another possibility), retching, barfing, and just plain old throwing-up.

i have become an expert on this.

it is what i know these days.

not that i want to know it.

but i do. and they say you should write on what you know, so here goes.

this is a list of my least favorite things the throw-up and why. maybe you could learn something, especially if you are pregnant, sick, or thinking about becoming bulimic.

in no particular order...

*milk. and i love milk. i used to drink a couple of glasses every day. but not now. milk goes down as a liquid and comes up as a solid. it curdles in your stomach, which doesn't take long, and comes up chunky. and sour. very sour. but not like sour cream. sour chunks. it makes me sad. no more milk for me.

*rice. you wouldn't normally think that rice would be bad. it's pretty bland and uneventful. however, don't be deceived. rice is little. and when you chew it, it becomes smaller. then when it is spewed, it feels like little maggots coming out. and they get stuck in your mouth. they stick everywhere. and you have to swirl your tongue around and spit to get them all out. and still you will find more. they are just so little and there are many little crevices in your mouth. you get the point.

*popcorn. similar to rice, in the fact that it comes up as small little pieces. and there tends to be little pieces of popcorn kernels stuck everywhere. if you are going to eat popcorn, don't bother picking out the yucks from your teeth, you will be doing it again after the big upchuck.

*orange juice. this is something i crave. but it burns coming up. not worth it.

*hot dogs. now i know many of you wouldn't even bother eating one. but i love a good dog. but not anymore. no matter how much chewing you do, they still come up super chunky. i do not like hurling chunks--it hurts. another thing, they really stink the second time around.

*onions. okay just kidding. just checking to see you if you are still reading. i wouldn't know what it is like to throw these things up. i don't think they are worth eating in the first place.

now this list is not complete. but i am done for the time being. these are the worst for now.

and some of you might think that perhaps i shouldn't eat anything at all. but the worst thing to do is retch on an empty stomach. when your insides are trying to eject its contents, it does it with such force and violence that it will find something to bring up. and it is called bile. and it burns. and burns. and you can feel it eating away the enamel on your teeth. and brushing your teeth doesn't help that feeling go away. bile is the worst. you may as well make a meal of the previous list of items and inhale them before you consider not eating.

i used to say that i wouldn't ever eat anything a second time if i threw it up. however, that plan quickly faded when i realized i soon wouldn't be eating anything at all. i would venture to say that there is not a food i haven't thrown-up that i have eaten. lucky me.

i thought about making a list of things are okay the ralph, but i don't think that list exists.

now, go eat something good. you'll feel better.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

baby preparation?

so i wonder if my children are trying to get me ready for the baby.

almost since we have moved here, my lovely and darling children have not slept through the night. particularly the last few nights. they aren't just getting up and shifting and getting water and going back to bed. they are getting up and staying up. for a couple hours.

i don't get it.

i don't know what to do about it.

i am frustrated.

especially because i know that in a few short months, i will have to get out of bed for a baby that really needs me.

i need to get all the sleep i can NOW!

i have thought about locking them in their rooms, handcuffing them to the bed, or drugging them, but then i don't think that is considered being a good and loving mother. which is something i think i should at least pretend to be.

we have a bedtime routine. we leave nightlights on. we say prayers...lots of them. they have bedtime snacks. and drinks. and potty time. i just can't figure out why they are still waking up in the middle of the night.

and i don't know what to do about it...any suggestions?

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

this is not a teaser...i promise

i am pregnant.

yep. you read that correctly.

i am pregnant.

with a baby (you know, a fetus, a teeny-tiny human being) in my uterus.

and it moves a lot. i saw it. a lot. i heard it's heartbeat. "158 beats. perfect" she said. really it is there.

the baby is due to come somewhere around march 21st.

we don't have any baby stuff anymore. my baby is 7 years old. i am starting over.

but it is great.

really great.