Thursday, February 22, 2007

3 years later...

p.s. pre-script: i wrote this last week. today is march 2nd. i am doing just fine. things are good.

i am coming up on my three year anniversary. it scares me for some reason. i think entirely too much about it. i cry. it makes me sad. i wonder if and when things will be different. sometimes they are. i don't think about it much in the summer or fall. but this month has been different and especially difficult. i don't remember how i felt last year. here is a brief synopsis of the dates and happenings:

  • february 4, 2004 shawn took me to the emergency room because i couldn't get control. i kept crying and having anxiety attacks and crying and thinking terrible, awful thoughts. and not sleeping.
  • february 4, 2004 i was sent home because there was no room. huh. lots of crazy people out there. we thought we could do it. we tried.
  • february 14, 2004 shawn took me to the humane society where we got luckybuster the cat. i loved him immediately. he was good. he was calm. he was cheerful. he was what i needed. shawn wanted me to be happy. that's all. he went from being a dog person to a cat person--for me, to do what he could to help me.
  • february 27, 2004 friday my friend called to ask me if my new cat was orange. yes, he is. then she cautiously and kindly said that she found luckybuster on the street and he had been hit by a car. he had pretty extensive head injuries. she had taken him to the animal shelter. i tried to call the shelter but they were closed. after a painful weekend of not knowing, i called the shelter. no. luckybuster did not make it (i guess he wasn't that lucky after all). i started to cry. i couldn't stop crying. i was not in anyway in control. it was the saddest day of all my life--and i had only had the cat for 2 weeks. pathetic.
  • march 2, 2004 tuesday i was still crying. i wanted to die. i needed to die. but i didn't. it wasn't happening. shawn came home from work in the morning. we went to the emergency room again. this time there was room. i remember the crisis worker being so kind (i saw him later a cafe rio--how horrible is that! except i am sure that he had no idea who i was).
  • march 2 - march 6, 2004 i spent the week on the 5th floor of lds hospital. they took away the drawstring from my hoodie and my tennis shoes were removed. i didn't have a belt but that would have gone too. they were put in a locker and someone else had the key. shawn had to go home and get me clothes and such. visiting hours were from 5-7 pm daily. for a second i was sad--i wanted shawn to stay with me. but then i was glad. i didn't want to see anyone. shawn had to go. i had to stay. and i did. and i think it helped me. sometimes i want to go back. it was safe there. very safe.

my children were taken care of by others. anna stayed at my sister's house. she brings it up now and then, saying, "remember when you were really sick and i stayed a long time at autie kate's house." that's all. she doesn't ask more nor does she say more. i don't know how much she remembers. shawn brought them one night to see me. it was hard. he didn't bring them after that one time. it was just too hard. michael went from one ward member to another during the day and evening. shawn's co-workers even watched the kids in the evening. everyone was so kind. shawn had mikey at night. i was not a good mother. thankfully they were only 3 and 1 and hopefully anna doesn't remember anything but staying at auntie kate's house.

sometimes i wonder why. why do i have to be like this? why did this happen? why does it still linger? lots of days it is a struggle to get up and out of bed, to take care of the kids, to take care of myself. sometimes i choose to do the least amount possible and usually that includes getting the kids to school and going back to bed. it's just easier. but lately i have been really fighting. i have to--it is just winter and spring will be here soon and all will be well. i can do this. i will do this.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Valentine's Day--family style!

i love valentine's day. i think i really started loving it 12 years ago when i had the BEST valentine date EVER! (that story will be for another post, another day).

yesterday we had lots of fun. the kids and i set up this great dinner for shawn. anna did all the decorating. she gathered things left over from my party (thanks tiff for a great write-up).

she did a good job. they both helped set the table and, of course, anna had to pull out the fancy glasses. we had ravioli, caesar salad and garlic bread. with chocolate cake for dessert. and a sparkiling apple cider beveridge (compliments of shawn). all by candlelight.

the flowers are also compliments of shawn. the yellow roses are mine and the daisys and carnations are anna's (he is spoiling her early in life on valentine's day)

Friday, February 09, 2007

supernanny bedtime

for years, anna has had a problem going to bed. it has made me crazy. we tried everything. and it didn't work.
a couple of weeks ago, while shawn was trying to get her to sleep, i was watching supernanny. and she taught the mother of 3 and 4 year olds a bedtime routine. i was tired of laying with anna until she fell asleep (hours, sometimes). supernanny's routine is good. but then at the end of it all you give them a hug and kiss and night-night. on the show she had the mom sit by the door and whenever the kids got out of bed the mom would get up and put them back in bed--without looking at them or talking to them.
i decided anna needed this. so i did it the next night. i sat at the bottom of the stairs and did it. after 35 minutes of kicking and screaming (my favorite scream--"mom talk to me! you are freakin' me out! you are really freakin' me out!) and trying every excuse, she fell asleep. i did it the next night and the next. by the third night i was down to 7 minutes! i taught shawn and he does it. it is wonderful. shawn and i can now have some peace and quiet at night. she usually goes down now between 8 and 8:30--before it was 10 or later. it is wonderful.--oh, i already said that. but it is.

p.s. the other night we were having sunday dinner at my mom's. katie and family were there (katie is my sister with 4 kids). anyway, it was announced it was time to go home and go to bed. katie told me that anna was by her. and anna asked her "do you sit at the bottom of your stairs and chase erin and jenna back to their beds when they get out?"
i don't recall chasing but i suppose that word could be used.

before they left

anna didn't know she was going. so, after school i told her to get packed. she is so cute when she is guessing something. however this time...she was whining because she was going to miss a beach party at school and she wouldn't get to hear the beach boys singing "surfin' safari". she kept whining. she begged with me to tell her where they were going. i finally said, "it's the most horrible place in the world."
and with that she immediately responded "oh, you mean mommyland?" what a little stinker! i told her she was a brat. and she just said, "no, i am funny."
okay. maybe a funny brat.

weekend of bliss

i am alone in quiet solitude all weekend long! shawn had to go to vegas for work and so he took the kids with him. only because shawn's parents live in mesquite and charles (grandpa burton) volunteered to take today off to watch the kids! i do have amazing in-laws. i am sure they will go swimming, go to the park, play games and most especially fun...ride the rhino. grandpa is so much fun.
and me? well, i couldn't be enjoying myself more. i watched the best night of tv in peace and quiet. i didn't have to supernanny the kids to bed. i slept through the night with no elbows, feet or heads poking me. and i didn't have to cuddle with anyone (not that that's bad, but a day off is nice). plus, i slept in until 9:30 am after going to bed at 10 pm. love it!
today i have the world at my finger tips and i have no idea what i am going to do. but it will be nice. i may do some shopping. or go to a matinee. or just veg and watch tv. i don't know. but i am sooo excited.
thanks shawn. thanks charles.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

and a partridge in a pear tree

items in my black fake prada off-the-ny-streets $10 purse:

  • black wallet with various cards and id's and no money
  • walmart receipt: $56.51
  • family dollar receipt: $3.70
  • two packages of travel tissues
  • checkbook
  • used tissue (gross!)
  • ripped top of carnation instant breakfast package (how did that get in there?)
  • business card of a mary kay rep
  • tide to go pen (LOVE IT!)
  • sunglasses
  • chopsticks ( i use them to scratch my back--not to eat with)
  • two packaged candy sticks dipped in chocolate (gross)
  • 6 hall cough drops
  • mini krackel bar (i don't like krackel)
  • twist tie
  • black pony holder
  • pen
  • two quarters
  • chapstick--strawberry
  • chapstick--lip moisturizer spf 15
  • a thing for my ipod that lets you set your radio to 87.9 fm and then listen to the ipod
  • 2 AA batteries

Saturday, February 03, 2007

new blog

so guys, there is a new blog out there. and i am sure it is going to be quite good. it is my friend mickey and she has a lot to say about life. so, check her out here. hope you enjoy!