3 years later...

p.s. pre-script: i wrote this last week. today is march 2nd. i am doing just fine. things are good.
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i am coming up on my three year anniversary. it scares me for some reason. i think entirely too much about it. i cry. it makes me sad. i wonder if and when things will be different. sometimes they are. i don't think about it much in the summer or fall. but this month has been different and especially difficult. i don't remember how i felt last year. here is a brief synopsis of the dates and happenings:

• february 4, 2004 shawn took me to the emergency room because i couldn't get control. i kept crying and having anxiety attacks and crying and thinking terrible, awful thoughts. and not sleeping.
• february 4, 2004 i was sent home because there was no room. huh. lots of crazy people out there. we thought we could do it. we tried.
• february 14, 2004 shawn took me to the humane society where we got luckybuster the cat. i loved him immediately. he was good. he was calm. he was cheerful. he was what i needed. shawn wanted me to be happy. that's all. he went from being a dog person to a cat person--for me, to do what he could to help me.
• february 27, 2004 friday my friend called to ask me if my new cat was orange. yes, he is. then she cautiously and kindly said that she found luckybuster on the street and he had been hit by a car. he had pretty extensive head injuries. she had taken him to the animal shelter. i tried to call the shelter but they were closed. after a painful weekend of not knowing, i called the shelter. no. luckybuster did not make it (i guess he wasn't that lucky after all). i started to cry. i couldn't stop crying. i was not in anyway in control. it was the saddest day of all my life--and i had only had the cat for 2 weeks. pathetic.
• march 2, 2004 tuesday i was still crying. i wanted to die. i needed to die. but i didn't. it wasn't happening. shawn came home from work in the morning. we went to the emergency room again. this time there was room. i remember the crisis worker being so kind (i saw him later a cafe rio--how horrible is that! except i am sure that he had no idea who i was).
• march 2 - march 6, 2004 i spent the week on the 5th floor of lds hospital. they took away the drawstring from my hoodie and my tennis shoes were removed. i didn't have a belt but that would have gone too. they were put in a locker and someone else had the key. shawn had to go home and get me clothes and such. visiting hours were from 5-7 pm daily. for a second i was sad--i wanted shawn to stay with me. but then i was glad. i didn't want to see anyone. shawn had to go. i had to stay. and i did. and i think it helped me. sometimes i want to go back. it was safe there. very safe.

my children were taken care of by others. anna stayed at my sister's house. she brings it up now and then, saying, "remember when you were really sick and i stayed a long time at autie kate's house." that's all. she doesn't ask more nor does she say more. i don't know how much she remembers. shawn brought them one night to see me. it was hard. he didn't bring them after that one time. it was just too hard. michael went from one ward member to another during the day and evening. shawn's co-workers even watched the kids in the evening. everyone was so kind. shawn had mikey at night. i was not a good mother. thankfully they were only 3 and 1 and hopefully anna doesn't remember anything but staying at auntie kate's house.

sometimes i wonder why. why do i have to be like this? why did this happen? why does it still linger? lots of days it is a struggle to get up and out of bed, to take care of the kids, to take care of myself. sometimes i choose to do the least amount possible and usually that includes getting the kids to school and going back to bed. it's just easier. but lately i have been really fighting. i have to--it is just winter and spring will be here soon and all will be well. i can do this. i will do this.