Wednesday, May 17, 2006
we are the world, we are the children
you know, sometimes i wonder. i wonder why i try to make it through one day just to have to make it through another and another to get to the weekend. why the weekend? i suppose it may be because shawn is home. but really, what do i do. i heard a man on the radio say that he wishes that the day had 50 hours in it. he would be able to fill them all up. wow. i can barely fill up the 14-16 waking hours of my day. yes, i do have children. and i do play with them. but they don't always care to have me around. they play very well on their own. i don't cook. i don't clean. (i am trying to be better...i made my bed today). i don't exercise on purpose (kids can keep me going sometimes). i am not a busy person and really i don't care to be. so, what do i do? i find mindless projects to fulfill my time. but these mind-time-occupying projects don't really do anything to make the world a better place. it doesn't help feed the hungry. or clothe the naked. or house the poor. i don't even make any money to help support my family. these projects simply use up my time. does it make me a better person? maybe it helps me improve my talent. but that talent doesn't really help any one out. and really i am not making any moral choices here. i am simply occupying my mind to get me through another day. i made a very beautiful quilt 3 years ago when i was trying to avoid the demons in my mind. i love the quilt. it keeps me warm. it is soft. i use it...almost everyday. but really, all it did was keep me occupied so that for a few days i didn't think about the inevitable. this quilt didn't improve anyone's life or anything. it was just a project. a wast of time? i don't know. maybe to some people. and now i am starting another project. i thought i would try to make a watercolor quilt. the ones i have seen are simply beautiful. i have been buying small cuts of all kinds of fabric. washing it. pressing it. cutting it into 2" squares. i am excited. but is it just a waste of time? shawn says if it makes me happy then it isn't. maybe i can improve the world some other time. right now, i just need to get through one day at a time.
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2 comments:
look at all the beautiful things that you have produced in your get-through-another-day mode. every time i look at my booklets that you decorated for me, i smile. and every time i think about you reciting the sound of music at writing group, i have to keep myself from falling on the floor. i like what you've done with your time, it's certainly improved my life. as for the quilt, i think it's an incredible symbol. you channeled negative energy into a beautiful keepsake that wraps itself around you and gives you comfort. i mean, holy crap, that totally gave me goosebumps.
you forget you are doing the one thing that really does make the world a better place, being a mother to your kids. and i think you are doing a fantastic job.
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