S.A.D.

it is so blasted hot that i can not even sit without sweating. and i don't sweat normally. however, i should not even consider complaining for it is not nearly as hot as it was 3 years ago, the summer i was pregnant with michael.

you know how in the winter some people get depressed, seasonal affective disorder or something like that. well, i think i may have it this summer due to this stupid heat. i remember last summer so fondly (it never reached 100). and now i find myself falling into my pattern of depression because i don't want to do anything because it is so hot. seasonal affective disorder in the summer? maybe just for me. do you suppose i should sit under my light box? hah.

mommy, is your bum plummered?

yes, anna, my bum is plummered. i have plummer bum. and yes, anna truly asked me that question just minutes ago. my fatass is spilling out over the top of my jammie bottoms. it is what comes with having a fatass.

i am still thinking about exercising (to help cure the fatass) and i decided that instead i would change to diet drinks. diet drinks most of the time anyway. here are my exclusions:

1. when we eat at mcdonalds (best coke in the world...i think they calabrate their machines on an hourly basis).
2. at cafe rio-second best coke in town
3. when shawn gets a refill and i feel like having a sip (or lots of sips)
4. when i am in stress (oh, maybe i should exclude this exclusion for i may be drinking regular all the time)
5. when there is no diet in the fridge and i need caffeine immediately

i suppose we will see how it goes. yesterday i had diet coke and it was alright. i suppose i could get used to it all the time. i don't know.
is my fatass worth the regular sodas? still to be determined.

i can't believe it's true (still 20 minutes later)

anna is asleep. anna is not only asleep but she is asleep in her own room and in her own bed. bedtime is not the happiest time of day in our house. i would much rather give birth to a 13 pound 12 ounce baby vaginally without an epidural (that word brings joy everytime i even think about it) than to have to face bedtime. but realities are such that bedtime cannot be avoided. she is asleep about 2 1/2 hours (at least) earlier than last night and the night before and the night before and... i am still in shock. i am not sure what to do with my time. going to bed early sounds good. people refer to her as a "difficult" child. i am not sure exactly what that is suppose to mean only perhaps she is just simply "difficult" for people (and that includes me) to handle. she is not necessarily naughty. just eager or curious or active. shawn believes she is high maintenance. i guess she may well be taking after her mother. for, i, too, am high maintenance. and difficult as well.

side note: shawns teaches the 11 year old boys at church. one of them told me today that i was lucky for i married someone who is always happy. and he is. and i am.

burton burton who's got the burton

to sleep or not to sleep

today i put michael down for a nap. he is my almost 3 year old son. i was pretty sure he was tired and i knew for sure i was tired. i slept for a little more than three hours (he slept for four).

i can sleep. i can sleep almost anytime of day for however long. however, i do have two children who don't and they do require supervision. one of the lovely side effects of depression and/or depression medication for me is the sleepiness. if i was a "normal" human being, 9 hours of sleep would be sufficient but i am not "normal" nor do i care to be anymore (another topic for another day).

i have been thinking about taking up some form of exercise. i am not sure yet what it will be but i am already hating it. i know it increases something in the brain (i forget exactly what tonite maybe i will remember tomorrow) to help you combat the mean friend. it might also help me reduce the size of my fatass. but it is scary to think about.

i would rather sleep.

i'm back, i think

i haven't been much inspired lately. sometimes it is just easier to be depressed. however, summer seems to keep me busy. personally, i prefer to be a not-busy person and that is usually what i am. but for some reason this summer...

this afternoon has been rather good. i haven't really done anything. nothing. i did watch the last half of the family feud a particularly stupid game show. but i was entertained and did nothing. a favorite activity of mine. i wonder what i will do tonight. i hope nothing. but shawn, the husband and father of my children, is quite opposite me. if he isn't doing anything, he isn't happy. it is good for him. it is mostly good for me. you see, things get done. lots of things. but sometimes i just want him to do nothing with me. he complained last winter because he never got to watch one football game in its entirety (he isn't really a fan anyway--he just likes sports). what he didn't realize was that it was his own fault. he would sit down and relax for a minute then realize there was something he wanted to do. he got up and did it. don't try to blame me or the kids, honey. it is just who you are. and i do love you. but maybe tonite you could sit with me and watch king of queens and laugh out loud with me. it feels really good.

it's all about choices

"Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you do with what happens to you." anonymous

i think i believe this. yes, i guess i do. but i would like to believe the other way around. oh well. it's all about choices.

some new delight

this is a poem i found last night. struck a chord of hope for me with my lovely uninvited guest named depression. perhaps.


This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
--Rumi

mothers day

tomorrow it is. and i am somewhat afraid. five years ago i suffered severe postpartum depression. it was frightening. anna was only about a week and a half old. the memories are vivid. but i am really pursuading myself not to visit there. so far so okay. i have been having a little fit of optimism and i hope to hang on to it through tomorrow. my children are beautiful. they deserve the best. they deserve me, their mother, to love and teach and care and play and be around for them. and i intend to do all i can to show them happiness and love (thank goodness for modern medication and psychotherapy).

5 years old

anna elizabeth turned five years old today. i have been a mother for five years. she is beautiful and smart and happy. she is good. she is five. time does fly... i want shawn and i to be the number ones in her life. until she is old enough to find a number one of marrying quality (long time away right?). i love her. she is truly remarkable. and to think shawn and i created this cute little being into which her soul belongs. i am humbled and simply amazed. God knows what he is doing.

can you unlock my window please?

depression is a debilitating disease. last night i was in the car with my husband. he was driving. it was getting stuffy. i pushed the button for my automatic window to go down. it was locked. i locked it earlier to keep anna from rolling it down. i wanted to ask shawn to unlock it. but i couldn't. it wouldn't come out. i suffered the stuffiness. next car i buy will have the locking button on the passenger side door too.